Is It Okay to Be Selfish?

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Is It Okay to Be Selfish?

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e probably know someone in our lives who demonstrates “selfish behavior.” The paradigm in our society about this kind of behavior is that it is a bad thing. Some people even call it immoral. It seems that when someone is being selfish, their behaviors and actions are all driven from their personal desires and needs. But before we go any further and jump to any conclusions as to whether this type of behavior is truly a bad thing or not, we must understand that not all selfishness is created equal.

Redefining Selfish

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines selfish as “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage or well-being without regard for others.”1  In the strict sense of the word, behaving “selfishly” is to benefit oneself in a way that can disregard another person’s social, emotional, physical, and overall well-being to the point of knowingly causing harm.

Here are some signs of “bad selfish behavior” to look out for:

  • When someone is always in the mode of “take, take, take” and never giving back in some way that is genuine.
  • When the person you are around is more concerned about hearing the sound of their own voice much more than what you have to say,
  • The one-sided conversation or relationship when all that matters to the person is what is happening in their lives.
  • When a person is unwilling to compromise or do something that interests you also.
  • When a person’s advice or actions are strictly rooted in their own benefit despite that it may harm another individual.
  • When a person is constantly laying blame or guilt tripping you into making decisions.

Nevertheless, we hear that it is better to give than receive…but at what cost? Being of service is a big part of a person’s personal happiness. But it’s one thing to care about others and look out for them, especially your family and friends. It’s another thing to spend every moment taking care of everyone else’s needs to the point of exhaustion where it starts to affect your psychological and physical well-being.

When you have children, they become your number one responsibility and rightfully so. However, it is very important to recharge your batteries from time-to-time because it is very difficult to give to your family if you are exhausted and your emotional jar is drained.

It’s Okay to Say NO!

Does it make you a bad person to decline something for your own benefit? If you feel like you want to say NO to some invitation to go somewhere or do something, then say it! Don’t say YES just because you don’t want someone to feel bad. When you do that, you are really neglecting yourself and your needs.

Have you ever felt like I have before? You work a long week and someone invites you somewhere and you just don’t feel like going for whatever reason. Maybe you don’t want to be caught up in gossip, drama, or negativity. Or maybe you are just tired from a long week and want to spend time alone to rest and recharge.

The Selfish Gauge

Ask yourself the following questions next time you are questioning if your behavior is truly “selfish.”

  • Is what you are doing helping or hurting your emotional well-being?
  • Is your behavior good for you and neutral or benefiting others or is your behavior  harming others?
  • Is what you are doing serving your highest values in helping you achieve your dreams or is it compromising them in some way for someone else’s desires?

It is vital to take care of yourself at all costs. If you are staying in a particular situation because you are worried about being selfish for leaving and it is affecting your health, it’s time for a change. Sometimes it can be as simple as taking a day off from work or getting a babysitter for the kids while you do something for yourself. It could be politely declining someone’s request, leaving a job you can’t stand or breaking off a toxic relationship.

If you would like to learn how to completely regain balance, joy, and happiness in your life starting today, while handling all of life’s day-to-day responsibilities, download my new program “30 Days to Finding You.” I walk you through my 10-Step Personal Happiness Formula that can be specifically applied for your life. Click here to learn more.

To A Great YOU!

Sources:

1 Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/selfish

3 Things Parents Must Know at the Start of the New School Year

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3 Things Parents Must Know at the Start of the New School Year

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etting out of the summer mode is oftentimes a challenge for kids. This past school year, I had so much fun in creating a music video titled “Hired to Inspire” based on a song I had written to reinvigorate educators, kids, and parents for a new school year. Together as teachers, parents, and the entire community, we can inspire a generation of children…one child at a time. Here is the link to check out the new video “Hired to Inspire.” Getting back into a routine for the new school year and reestablishing structure means setting the ground rules on bedtime, a regular place and time to do homework, time they can spend with friends and using all kinds of electronics. Ease the transition by invoking these routines early on at the start of school as it does take time for children to get adjusted and back to old routines. This will help a child develop good habits for the entire school year.

1. How to help your child get back into the school routine and manage their schedule

As students get into middle and certainly high school, children, as well as parents, may be unaware of the daily demands of homework load, and children can be easily overwhelmed with all of the daily demands of homework, studying for quizzes and tests, and completing various projects. The solution is to get back to routines. I recommend getting them a wall calendar that they can themselves write down their weekly schedule so they can visualize what needs to be done and plan accordingly to accomplish those tasks. Having a quiet place to do homework at a consistent time, preferably in a place that you can see them doing homework so they know that you see them, is very important.

2. How to regulate their daily use of technology

Children often don’t realize the potential dangers or consequences of technology overuse. Therefore, when regulating technology, it is important to clearly communicate the expectations you set forth as parents for your child. Depending on maturity level and your child’s level of responsibility, you may want to limit their access to social media or have access to their passwords. Setting limits to screen time is very important and the US Department of Health recommends that children under two should not be in front of a screen at all and over that age the maximum leisure screen time should be no more than two hours a day.1

In setting your expectations as a parent, you want to ask yourself the question, “What devices will you allow your child to use, for how long, and how will you monitor their activity? Set limits on electronics use, especially cell phone, to prevent that from becoming a distraction, so they are able to complete homework in a time efficient, high quality manner and also maintain an active, healthy lifestyle.

3. How to motivate your child using the right kind of praise 

Finding a way to get your child motivated academically or at home to perform chores around the house can be a challenge. You may wonder when is the right time to use praise and how much of it should I use to encourage desired behavior. First off, not all praise if created equally. When you use praise to encourage a child’s actions or successes, be sure to focus on the effort that a child puts forth, as opposed to specific traits of a child. Avoid using words like “intelligent,” “athletic,” “good,” and “bad”as those are things that children see as fixed and cannot be changed. Children can then associate their successes or failures based on these “fixed traits” that cannot be changed.

When giving praise, use it sparingly and be sure that it is used with a purpose that is specific and genuine. Avoid using praise for failures or low-challenging or low-achieving activities. Kids know when you are giving them “pity praise” and when you really mean it. The goal of praise is not to make a child dependent on it, but for them to feel empowered that they are capable of achieving greatness on their own.

In my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I provide parents with a variety of in depth activities and strategies to help motivate a child and achieve success, while decreasing stress levels, improving happiness, self-awareness, and self-esteem, and becoming a smart, successful, and self-disciplined individual.For a complete guide to help you and your family’s overall well-being, from all things healthy home to eating, moving, sleeping, and thinking well strategies, grab a free copy of my 25-page WHOLE LOTTA LIVING GUIDE here.

To A Great School Year Ahead!

Sources:

1 Boyle, D. & Hodge, J. (2017). How to Manage Techno Tantrums.

Practicing Mindfulness This Summer

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Practicing Mindfulness This Summer

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ust the other day I was waiting in line at the grocery store and I noticed that on the cover of Time magazine was a female with her eyes closed and the title said “MINDFULNESS: The New Science of Health and Happiness.” Now, minded (no pun intended) that I teach children about science for a living, and the one thing that I emphasize to them is that science is everything. Without a doubt, this holds true to the effect of mindfulness on one’s health and happiness. What begs the question, though, is that behind all this science, is there a magic formula to obtain these two big Hs?

So What Is Mindfulness?

This concept has recently found its way from the East to the West and has become a part of many workplaces, schools, and institutions. It is slowly proving beneficial for not only educators, but also for students. Scientists are working to show how people can change their mind and body through the practice of being more mindful. How I see it, being mindful is having a mind that is full. Full of what, you might ask? THE PRESENT MOMENT.

The Latest Research on Mindfulness

Over the past 10-15 years, research has demonstrated the positive effects of mindfulness practice on one’s social, emotional, and physical well-being. Mindfulness through meditation practice has shown to influence the structure and neural patterns present in the brain. There has been evidence that suggests that this practice improves self-esteem, attention, sensory processing, emotional regulation, quality of sleep, and overall health.1 Based on reports in levels of the stress hormone cortisol, individuals who regularly engage in mindfulness practices have reported less stress, anxiety, depression, and anger. 1

There has also been a link between regular mindfulness practice and quality of communication between intimate partners.2 This, in turn, has also been beneficial in terms of daily interactions that parents have with their children and the increased satisfaction in their own parenting skills.3

How to Introduce Mindfulness Into Your Daily Routine

Being present is being full of groundedness in your feelings and in touch with your emotions as they exist now. Some people call it the “practice of meditation.” Many practitioners focus on “conscious breathing” while being mindful.

At a conference I attended this past school year, the presenter began by having all 400+ of us in attendance sit quietly with our eyes closed, while either sitting on the floor or in our chairs. He had us perform a progressive muscle relaxation technique.

We began the exercise by taking three deep belly breaths and slowly exhaling. While doing so, we imagined that any tension we had in our body would go away. We started by focusing on the muscles in our face relaxing and worked down our neck and then to our back and releasing any tension down our arms and out our fingertips. He pointed out that while we were relaxing that we should feel this mental and physical shift downward and slowly becoming more grounded in our position with each breath. Then, we inhaled through our nose and while slowly exhaling out our mouth, we visualized our lower body releasing up pent up tension in a similar manner – down our thighs, knees, lower legs and out our toes.

There are so many variations and styles to mindful practice. One of my personal favorites is through the moving meditation exercise of Tai Chi Ch’uan.  I am a bodily-kinesthetic kind of guy where doing something active and moving around is quite relaxing. I will also take a trip to the local golf course and spend time chipping, putting, and hitting balls. Other times, I enjoy shooting some hoops by myself. The point to mindfulness is that it enhances your self-awareness and increases your physical and emotional state of relaxation.

For some people, awareness comes in the form of mindful listening to peaceful music and performing relaxation breathing. Others enjoy mindful writing and keeping a journal or expressing their awareness and present emotions through drawing or painting pictures. You can also be mindful when you eat or drink something. Noticing the food’s texture, aroma, and taste would be a great way to do this.

At a faculty meeting, we were all asked to be mindful of a Hershey Kiss – looking at its shape, examining the color of the wrapper and feel of the wrapper. As we began to take off the wrapper, we were asked to do so slowly and consider the technique we were using to remove the wrapper, while listening to the sound of removing the wrapper. Then, we were instructed to slowly raise our hand to our mouth and examine our feelings to the anticipation of the candy entering our mouths to the moment of entry and the changes in those emotions. This exercise helped us all to become better aware of the present moment.

Post-Mindfulness Reflections

When you have finished your mindfulness activity, you can reflect by asking yourself:

  • What were you thinking throughout the activity?
  • Were your thoughts shifting?
  • Did you have trouble paying attention? If so, were there other thoughts going on at the time? Were they positive and/or negative? Past, present, and/or future thoughts? Were you physically uncomfortable?
  • Did you feel more relaxed, more anxious, or about the same upon completing the activity?
  • Has your ability to be in the present moment changed since doing the activity?

Research has shown that mindfulness practice can also benefit children and adolescents. Studies have shown an improvement in academic performance and a reduction in symptoms of anxiety in youth who practice mindfulness.4 In my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I provide parents with a variety of activities and strategies to help a child achieve success, while decreasing stress levels, improving happiness, self-awareness, and self-esteem, and becoming a smart, successful, and self-disciplined individual.

For a complete guide to help you and your family’s overall well-being, from all things healthy home to eating, moving, sleeping, and thinking well strategies, grab a free copy of my 25-page WHOLE LOTTA LIVING GUIDE here.

To Being More Mindful Today!

Sources:

1 Lazar, S., et al. (2005). Meditation experience is associated with increased cortical thickness. NeuroReport, 16(17), 1893-1897.

2 Barnes, S., et al. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and response tO relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(4), 482-500.

3 Hutcherson, C., et al. (2008). Loving-Kindness Meditation Increases Social Connectedness. Emotion, 8(5), 720-724.

4 Semple, R., Reid, E., & Miller, L. (2005). Treating Anxiety with Mindfulness: An Open Trial of Mindfulness Training for Anxious Children. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, 19(4), 379-392.

The Effects of Anxiety and Anger on a Child

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The Effects of Anxiety and Anger on a Child

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hildren suffer from anxiety for a number of reasons. Before the start of a new school year, encountering a select group of peers at school, auditioning for a role in the school play, trying out for a sports team, and right before taking tests are times when a child may experience anxiety. This is nothing out of the ordinary. However, anxiety becomes a serious concern for children when it starts to interfere with their day-to-day activities. They may try to avoid certain situations or certain people. Some children are more susceptible to anxiety. This is especially the case if a child regularly experiences family conflict, arguments, is bullied, or feels unsafe in a particular environment.

And then there are students I’ve had who have gotten upset over the littlest things. At times, I’ve seen students push others in a shoving match. When I came over to address the issue, the student would go ballistic and lose control of their emotions. More times than not, the kids who act out in school are doing so because something is either going on at home or with their peers. The intimidating, mean-spirited behaviors are often a result of some sort of trauma experienced by the child at home or at school. They come into school on guard, ready to battle and they misperceive their peers’ and teachers’ cues, resulting in hostile and highly combative behavior.

How to Manage a Child’s Anxiety/Anger and Exposure to Violence

It is very important to sit down with your child and allow them to safely express their emotions and tell you what is going on and causing their high level of anxiety or what is making them feel upset. One thing you can do to alleviate your child’s stress is to limit the amount of technology that they are exposed to, in particular violent content. Refocus your child on getting involved in activities that are positive in nature and involve positive interactions in a team-building way with their peers.

Refrain from imparting your own fears or anxiety onto your child and rather than protecting your child from feeling anxious, teach them strategies to best manage and deal with it successfully. In my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I provide specific coping strategies that parents can implement to help their child best deal with anxiety in the least harmful manner all while channeling any worrisome or negative thoughts to something positive to help maintain a child’s self-confidence.

Furthermore, teenagers who suffer from anxiety may have difficulty sleeping or eating and are more prone to either self-destructive behaviors and/or angry outburst. In my book, I also  offer the C.A.L.M. technique on how you can easily and effectively reduce or flat out eliminate problem behavior and get your child to see how their actions result in specific consequences or rewards.

To You and Your Child!

Why Kids Misbehave and What to Do About It

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Why Kids Misbehave and What to Do About It

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child misbehaving is something I see on a regular basis in my profession as a middle school teacher. Whether it be shouting out something inappropriate to another student, calling someone a name, or making a loud, funny noise to get a reaction from others, children exhibit a variety of obnoxious, immature, and disruptive behaviors.

How to prevent or stop a child from misbehaving

Children, in general, act out to seek negative attention. If there is a potential audience available to fuel the behavior, then that behavior and those actions will likely persist. The key factor in determining whether or not a problem behavior will persist or be eliminated is based largely on your reaction to the child’s behavior and how you respond to it.

1. Teach a child empathy.

When a child is taught how his or her behaviors affect others around them, they are more likely to display positive, kind, and caring behaviors. Many children who exhibit problem behaviors may be dealing with anxiety, fear, lack of acceptance from others, rejection and not have the coping mechanisms to appropriately handle these issues and act out to protect themselves from further backlash from their peers, teachers, and/or parents.

2. Acknowledge positive behavior exhibited and ignore behavior that isn’t harmful.

Kids often misbehave because they are seeking attention and don’t know any other viable means to obtain it other than to act out. Praising good behavior can turn that around. In my class, I appreciate it when someone offers to help pass out papers, clean up lab stations, assist someone who may be struggling, or simply raise their hand and wait to be called on during class discussion. I typically respond by saying statements to the like of:

“Thank you for raising your hand and waiting to be called on to answer that question.”

“Thank you for your kindness and offering to help…”

“I appreciate that you have your homework ready to be collected.”

“Keep up the great work. I am very proud of you.”

It all depends on the child, but looking and expecting good is oftentimes the solution and what you will get from a child. English writer W. Somerset Maugham once said,

“It’s a funny thing about life, if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

3. Take away privileges.

However, if despite your efforts at teaching a child that their actions affect others, offering praise to positive behavior displayed, and ignoring attention-seeking behavior, your child continues misbehaving in an inappropriate manner and it is negatively affecting others or putting themselves or others in, then a clear consequence needs to immediately follow.

It could be as simple as a time out to remove them from the situation or shift their attention away from their current behaviors and give them time to reflect on what they did wrong and how they should have behaved. Removing a privilege of some sorts  is a common practice for curbing bad behavior, especially with older children. Anything from removal of electronics, toys, losing a sleepover, and not playing with friends are standard options for consequences that will typically render future good results, as long as a child understands the basis for why they lost their privileges and the expected behavior in the future.

Whether it is at home, at school, or in public around others when the misbehavior takes place, if the environment is reinforcing that behavior through others laughing or yelling for the person to stop, then that may be the unfortunate catalyst that keeps the problem behavior going. Hence, the child will see no reason why he or she should discontinue their actions when they are getting a reaction out of someone.

4. Model behavior you expect of your child.

It goes back to the monkey see, monkey do adage. Children are keen observers of their surrounding and require parents to not only teach them good manners and help them develop a sense of morality, but also watch how their parents and other adults in their lives display politeness, kindness, respect, and acceptance toward one another.

In my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I overview the C.A.L.M. technique on how you can easily and effectively reduce or flat out eliminate problem behavior and get your child to discover for themselves how their actions result in specific consequences or rewards.

To You and Your Child!

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