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How do you create effective boundaries?

When setting limits, have a two-way conversation with your child. First, discuss the specific rules and associated consequences that will take place if a rule is broken. Then, listen to your child and what he has to say, whether he agrees with your decisions or not.

But then how do you determine the appropriate limits that should be set for your child? You want to first consider what the goal is for setting limits. Boundaries provide children with a framework to make decisions in their life. They should be set age appropriate to allow for a young person’s emotional development, while also permitting children to make choices and letting them grow to become independent thinkers and problem solvers.

Establishing  a mutual respect between a parent and a child means that the parent is the parent. It is important to set clear boundaries that the child has to stick to and establish clear consequences that the parent will follow through with if the boundary is crossed and the expectation is not adhered to. Children will test their parents and the sooner children experience consistent consequences for crossing the line, the sooner they will think twice about what they want to do next time and make a wiser choice.

What does effective discipline look like?

Effective discipline involves effective communication and it occurs in three different forms. First, it starts in a loving, positive, supportive way that strengthens the parent-child relationship. Second, it uses positive reinforcement to encourage desired behaviors. And third, it uses punishment – only when necessary – to decrease the frequency or eliminate undesired behaviors.

Young children have difficulty regulating their behavior based on verbal prohibitions and directions. As a child gets older, removing privileges by delayed extinction becomes a useful technique for eliminating undesirable behavior. All children, but especially adolescents, should be held accountable for their behaviors by receiving natural consequences that are consistently reinforced. This helps them become more self-disciplined and develop problem-solving skills on how to change an undesired behavior to a more effective behavior with a more desirable result.

Reinforcing consequences and resolving conflict

One approach I use in my classroom with students who “choose” to consistently make poor choices is I have the “W conversation” with them. The goal is to get them to talk about why they chose to make that poor choice, what did they do, who did it affect, and what should they have done and why, what the resulting consequence is for their action, and then what they will do next time they are in a similar situation. This holds a child accountable for their actions and promotes a greater self-awareness of the magnitude of the choices they make. It demonstrates cause and effect of their actions on others, giving them a second chance to make the right decision and never judging them as “bad,” but rather the choices they made as “poor” but correctable next time.

In my best-selling book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I discuss the different types of discipline strategies in greater depth and how you can apply them to a variety of situations with your teen or tween.

To Setting Limits And Raising A Child To Become Unlimited In Their Potential!

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grew up in a small suburban town in Connecticut where I was surrounded by kids my age and older in my neighborhood. I didn’t have a lot of friends, but there were a few. One of my good friends lived up the road from me. So many times I wanted to go play with him over his house, but it was not always possible. The problem was that along the path to my friend’s home, there were kids who were bullies and every time they saw me walking, they targeted me. In fact, one of them was a ring leader of the pack who I had to face in my neighborhood, on the bus and at school in my class every single day. Unfortunately, at that time I didn’t have the necessary skills to adequately confront bullying.

I will tell you that there is nothing worse than a child feeling unsafe inside or outside of school when they come face-to-face with someone they fear. Take it from me and the millions of other children past and present who have been on the receiving end of being the victims of bullying.

However, there is always hope. There are definitely some things that can be done to prevent bullying. Before it takes place, it is very important to teach children some techniques and one of them is to stand up for themselves and others. So, how do you do it? How do you teach a child to stand up for himself and others? Below you will find some helpful strategies.

1. Teach a Child to Speak Up 

Encourage your child to say something and not be quiet if he or someone else is not treated right. I remember telling the teacher when I would be repeatedly picked on and physically abused. Unfortunately, that didn’t work. The real key to putting out the flame when bullying takes place is to eliminate its source. Oftentimes, bullies feed off of an audience, or bystanders.

I’ve been in a number of situations growing up where I was face-to-face with a bully and other kids would stand there watching, even laughing and saying nothing to stop the verbal and physical onslaught that was ensuing. To all parents out there… it is sooooo important to teach your child that if they are on the receiving end of someone attacking them in some way, they should speak assertively to tell that person to “cut it out” or “knock it off” and then try to remove themselves from the situation. If the situation persists, encourage your child to align with other peers, as allies, to unite against this kind of behavior and tell a trusted adult.

If your child is not the target of bullying, encourage them to become an ally with someone who is being picked on. Standing by and watching any bullying behavior take place only makes the problem continue. It is important for the child to speak up and report any bullying behavior immediately.

 2. Teach a Child Respect and Empathy

The constant name calling, social isolation, and physical altercations were all too often a part of my experiences growing up and something that could have been prevented with some education in understanding. No one should be treated poorly for any reason. Children should respect their peers, teachers, and parents. Likewise, parents and teachers should respect children. No matter the age, gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, height, weight, or personal likes and preferences, children must be taught that everyone is unique and should be valued for who they are.

Cultivating empathy early on in a child’s life is crucial for their social and emotional growth and development. Children are more likely to demonstrate empathy toward others when they themselves feel a sense of emotional security from their parents. Teaching a child empathy not only allows a child to understand the perspective of others, but also helps them come up with constructive ways to handle negative emotions.

3. Teach a Child Leadership Skills

Winston Churchill once said, “Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities…because it is the quality which guarantees all others.” Healthy relationships are cultivated out of developing an understanding for one another and standing up to do the right thing.

Some people will argue that leaders are born, while others will insist that leaders are made. When children are taught effective character building skills that include having empathy for others, celebrating each other’s differences, and embracing diversity, they become more aware of each other’s needs and respond in ways to support each other. I am a strong supporter of getting a child involved in leadership activities when they are young, where they have opportunities to use their voice for change. Whether it be sports, clubs and/or community service activities, there are many outstanding ways to give a child an opportunity to be seen and heard in a positive light.

4. Model Self-Love and Kindness to Others

Children are always observing their surroundings, particularly the actions of adult role models. There is no greater strength in leading a child to make wise decisions than to personally model that behavior. When your child sees that you live your life by taking care of your well-being, acting from a place of love rather than fear or hate when handling situations, respecting and being kind to yourself and others, then she internalizes the value and worth in positive behaviors and actions. This act of respect and kindness extends beyond the confines of the school and home. It spans into everyday life at the grocery store, gas station, library, bank, or anywhere we go and meet people.

5. Teach a Child Confidence 

In today’s world, it is easy to become influenced by the prevailing messages received from the media, which are often filled with violence, hatred, anti-this and anti-that movements.  It is not very uncommon for some people to hide behind the walls of social media and say something derogatory or dejecting to put someone down.

It is very important to nurture confidence in your child. Developing the skills of confidence build’s a young person’s self-esteem and prepares them for a world filled with challenges. Build confidence in your child by involving her in different activities after school, giving tasks to be accomplished, demonstrating how to stand up and take charge of situations boldly and bravely by doing what’s right versus what’s popular. Being an ally to someone in need and helping someone who feels down is a major step toward becoming a leader, developing positive relationships with others and living a life of great purpose.

In my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I provide parents with the tools and strategies to help children navigate bullying and violence, along with the other challenges they face throughout their tween and teen years.

For a complete guide to help you and your family’s overall well-being, from all things healthy home to eating, moving, sleeping, and thinking well strategies, grab a free copy of my 25-page WHOLE LOTTA LIVING GUIDE here.

To Teaching a Child to Stand Strong!

J

1. Do Not Allow Any Electronic Devices At The Dinner Table

Dinner is a time for spending quality family time together, while not only enjoying a meal, but also everyone’s company. It is a time to catch up on the day’s events and allow each person to express their joys, concerns, frustrations, excitement, and whatever else is going on in their lives.

Keep it simple during meal time and have a designated area for any electronic devices. In addition to being a distraction away from quality family time, it is also very unsanitary to have phones and other devices around the area you eat. Research has shown that cell phones are much dirtier than most people realize. Scientists at the University of Arizona have found that cell phones carry 10 times more bacteria than most toilet seats. Studies have found serious pathogens on cell phones, including Streptococcus, MRSA, and E. coli.¹ Considering the fact that many people travel to the bathroom with their phones increases the exposure to having all of these microbes on the phone.

2. Listen To Understand Not To Reprimand

It is easy to have that knee jerk reaction with a child and want to impart your two cents of wisdom when they open their mouths. However, The Golden Rule to remember with kids is that they want to feel understood and that they are being heard. When we allow children  to speak their minds freely without fear of judgment, they feel valued and empowered and are more willing to share with you what is really on their minds.

One tip to keep the conversation going is that instead of replying right away to your child, take a moment to ask them a question or repeat back what they said to you. Acknowledging that your child’s words matter to you and that you are interested in what they have to say will go along way, especially as their issues become more serious and of higher stakes as they get older.

3. Do Family Activities That Require Everyone To Be Present

I see it every day with the students I teach at school. The kids are outside on the blacktop with their earbuds and headphones on, scrolling through their phones and texting their friends. Their level of awareness to their surrounding environment and each other is minimal and has taken a backseat for their need to “stay connected.” How ironic!

Maybe this is a sign of the times that shows how much technology has infiltrated into our waking moments. However, this does not have to be the be-all and end-all for how things become with you and your child.

My advice: Make it a priority to do a family activity as often as possible throughout the week that involves little to no technology. Designate a specific time to take a walk together, have a catch, play a board game, or do something creative that doesn’t involve electronic device usage. Keep it fun and interactive and let your child come up with a game that gets the whole family involved. I personally love Bananagrams – the anagram game that drives all family bananas – in a good and fun way!

4. Set The Household Guidelines For Technology Use

As a parent, you are the head of your household and the one in charge of making the rules. Like it or not, technology is an integral part of our society nowadays. I can tell you that overly restricting your child access to technology can send a message that technology is something to fear or that it is a bad thing that may have the reverse effect to what you are trying to accomplish. Instead, teach your child moderation by setting a limit on technology use and uphold your rules. The sooner you set limits and enforce them regularly, the easier it will be for your children to develop healthy habits toward using technology, in general.

As it is important to monitor the length of time a child uses technology, it is equally (if not more) important to teach children about appropriate use of technology. From an early age, discuss the importance of being respectful toward others and their privacy. Communicate how their actions leave a digital permanence that can follow them as they get older. Encourage them to speak up and stand against cyberbullying, as its effect on a child’s psyche and mental health can be quite profound and long-lasting.

In my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I provide parents with the tools and strategies to effectively communicate with their children and make a deep connection for a lifetime and how to prevent and best address the problems that affect teens and tweens.

For a complete guide to help you and your family’s overall well-being, from all things healthy home to eating, moving, sleeping, and thinking well strategies, grab a free copy of my 25-page WHOLE LOTTA LIVING GUIDE here.

To Making That Connection!

Sources:

^{1 Kõljalg, Siiri, et al. “High Level Bacterial Contamination of Secondary School Students’ Mobile Phones.” Germs, Asociația Pentru Creşterea Vizibilității Cercetării Ştiințifice (ACVCS), 2017, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5466825/.}