STRESS… a five letter word that we all deal with at some level and have to learn how manage throughout our lives. We know that stress is a silent killer and can cause lasting negative emotional and physical changes on us. However, stress is not created equally and it is important to understand the different types of  responses our bodies have in dealing with stress and ways to prevent stress from becoming toxic and long-lived.

When a child says that they are afraid of giving a presentation in front of the classroom to their peers versus being scared to go to school for fear of being bullied, those are two different kinds of stressors — the former being considered “normal and healthy” and the latter “abnormal and potentially debilitating.”

A child is especially susceptible to the negative effects of prolonged stress. This blog focuses on the following three aspects related to stress and its impact on children:

• Understanding the main types of stress responses
• Examining how each response can affect a child’s overall well-being
• What can be done to help prevent toxic stress

Three Main Types of Stress Responses

Positive stress response – Let’s say your child is about to play piano in a musical performance in a few hours.  The anticipation leading up to that event can produce an increase in heart rate and a mild increase in stress hormone levels. These feelings are completely normal and essential for healthy development.

Tolerable stress response – When a child experiences a more serious event, such as the loss of a loved one or a serious bodily injury, the body’s nervous system is activated to a greater degree and stress levels rise. With support from close adults, the effects from the stressful situation or event will subside and the body will recover back to its normal state.

Toxic stress response – Recurring, prolonged, long-lasting stressful events, such as physical or emotional abuse, neglect, substance abuse, exposure to violence or mental illness without consistent, adequate adult support, can lead to significant disruptions in brain development and other organ systems. These effects include developmental delays, cognitive impairment, and stress-related diseases throughout adulthood.

Ways to Help Prevent Toxic Stress

Here are some ways to help prevent the effects of toxic stress from impacting your child:

Have a Support System for Your Child

The importance of a support system is paramount for a child overcoming the effects of stress. We see that toxic stress can affect children in different ways. Kids need a safe place to turn to where they feel protected, reassured, and supported both emotionally and physically.

Remove Chronic Stress

Remove the chronic stressor(s) or adverse situation from your child’s life as soon as possible.  I have worked with children and their families that have endured extreme poverty, food scarcity, neglect, abuse, and/or violence in the home. Research has shown that toxic stress can harm the brain and other organ systems of these children at any point in development. However, when the events happen early on in a child’s life, they have more of a profound and lasting impact. These adverse effects may not become apparent until adulthood.¹

Teach Children Resiliency

The ability to properly cope with and adapt to adverse situations, despite the present conditions, plays a huge role in dealing with toxic stress. Research has shown that children with higher resilience have higher IQ scores, well-balanced temperaments and self-control, positive self-concept, greater empathy, and problem-solving skills.²

Engage a Child in Healthy Response Outlets

Again, all children react differently to stress. The variety of stress that children deal with on a daily basis varies. Students that I’ve taught, mentored and coached over the years who had poor social support from their primary caregivers and/or their peers and suffered from prolonged stress developed maladaptive behaviors in response to this stress. The fundamental principle in handling stress is having an effective outlet to release it. Some children release stress most effectively by engaging in different physical activities, such as sports, karate, dancing, etc. Others go within and express their feelings through writing or drawing.

One universal tool that I use in the classroom with my students is mindful relaxation response techniques. Conscious efforts to breathe deeply and slowly help slow down heart rate, reduce blood pressure, and decrease stress hormone levels. Guided imagery about positive outcomes to potentially stressful events is another technique I use to help children deal with anxious or stressful situations.

Developing coping mechanisms for stress take time and regular practice. A consistent implementation of these techniques in safe environments help produce the best sustainability for a long-lasting positive outcome for helping a child best handle stress.

Talk to Your Child’s Pediatrician

Your child’s pediatrician can be an excellent resource for meeting not only your child’s needs, but the needs of you and each family member’s in order to adequately structure an environment conducive for your child’s overall physical and emotional growth and well-being.

In my best-selling book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I discuss ways to help your child develop the skills necessary to effectively handle different types of stress and challenges in their life so they can thrive in all they do and fulfill their greatest potential.

To Detoxing From the Stress of You and Your Child’s Worlds!

Sources:

1. “Stress.” Alberta Family Wellness Initiative, Accessed July 9, 2018, www.albertafamilywellness.org/what-we-know/stress.

2. Cowen E.L., Wyman P.A., Work W.C. Resilience in highly stressed urban children: concepts and findings. Bull. N. Y. Acad. Med. 1996;73:267–284.

It is apparent that kids these days are dealing with a new set of problems on top of the old traditional issues that persist among today’s youth — from smoking, drinking, and substance abuse to cyberbullying and the (mis)use of various social media platforms. From mental health concerns, suicide, school violence, sexual assault to LGBT-related, the list goes on and on. These topics are boiling up inside millions of youth who are in need of platforms to express their voices.

How often do we see children running to adults and sharing their feelings? In the hit series 13 Reasons Why, there are some very graphic depictions of youth engaging in dangerous behaviors. The magnitude to which these issues affect kids warrant conversations in order to prevent or help someone in crisis.

Getting into a child’s mind and knowing what they are truly feeling, isn’t always easy. As a school teacher and someone who has worked with tween and teenage children for nearly two decades, I am aware of these problems and see that they must be addressed. I will admit that sometimes, it is difficult to hear what they have to say and I don’t necessarily have all the answers for them.

However, I recommend for parents, teachers, counselors, and mental health professionals who regularly are surrounded by children to start the tough conversations early. I realize that not all adults possess the tools necessary to know how to start these conversations and that is what inspired me to write this blog. You can never be sure of how someone is feeling. This is why it is important to have these discussions. It could sometimes be a matter of life and death.

1. “Actively” Listen

 For a child to share their feelings with someone else requires a level of trust. For kids, trust is earned and can be easily lost. To gain the trust and respect of a child, they need to know that you care and are there to listen to their concerns. Active listening goes beyond just hearing what someone has to say and preaching back to them what and how they should do it. It is important to convey the message to a child that they have been heard and understood. In order to do this, a valuable technique is to acknowledge the message by making eye contact with a child and restating the message shared in your own words back to the child. This way of responding with reflection shows the child that you care and are paying attention to the details. This often opens up the door for them to want to share more and have a deeper conversation.

2. Demonstrate Empathy

It is common for a child and especially a teenager to think that no one understands their situation. Finding a way to relate with what children are going through, can be a big step for them to open up with you. Each child is different and will communicate with you in their own way and at their own pace. The key is not to change when and how much they talk, but to create a safe space for when they feel comfortable and are ready to have a conversation. I’ve noticed that when children feel they aren’t alone in their problems, they oftentimes open up about what is bothering them. This offers many children a sense of hope and in some cases, recovery.

3. Find the “in between” time to talk

Having a conversation with a child should feel natural. Finding that “in between” time, such as before or after school, at the dinner table, driving to a sports practice or music lesson, playing a game together, preparing a family meal or right before bedtime is a way to discuss important issues in a more casual setting.

4. Allow a Child to Speak Freely Without Judgment

It’s hard enough for a child to open up to adults about how they are truly feeling, let alone have to feel that their words will be analyzed, evaluated and held against them. The goal is to ultimately help a child resolve his or her own issues. By refraining from judgment and keeping the conversation flowing back and forth freely, a child will feel “on the level” with who is listening, rather than feeling inferior in any which way. Just by letting a child know that you are emotionally available and can talk with them openly about anything can make a big difference.

5. Ask Your Child for Advice

There is this notion that children should come to their parents for input and advice. While that may be true, reversing the roles can provide insight into what a child is thinking. Asking your child for their input empowers them and shows that you value what you have to say. This also makes the child have to formulate a response to help “solve their problem.” I feel this is an ingenious approach that we need to implement more with children. As adults, we can learn a lot from children of all ages, as they can learn from us. We all just have to start “asking” more often in order to discover and uncover those hidden treasures that can be found inside all of us.

In my best-selling book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I discuss a variety of conversation starters and ways to effectively break through with your child.

To Starting the Conversation!

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1. Work hard towards achieving set goals

Children who tend to achieve well in academics, sports, or different competitions realize the value in setting goals. This starts with a dream-like mindset about what it is they want and then planning out the steps necessary to turn their dream into a reality.

It is important to start small when setting goals. A really big goal is great! However, breaking it down into smaller goals that are shorter term make it more manageable and attainable. This goes for test preparation, project completion, a concert performance, sporting event or anything that involves practice and preparation. The key thing is for children to attain success at some level. They will soon experience a feeling of success and see the value in setting goals. From that point, a child has a platform that he can build from and complete future goals on their own.

 2. Do things without constant reminders

One of the biggest obstacles to success is prolonging getting started. That’s right…it’s the P word. You guessed it! Procrastination at its finest! I tell my students that the biggest challenge to completing their homework isn’t the level of complexity, but is literally getting it out of the backpack and putting it onto the table. I’ve learned that two things do not work with motivating children: reminding and rewarding.

Reminding and rewarding at times could be the more convenient approach to get a child to do something. However, this can get quite exhausting and expensive and does not put the onus of responsibility and decision-making on a child. Rather than constantly reminding children to get started on something, get them into a routine, which is really an expectation to complete something – starting at a certain time – with a general time frame in mind. Motivated students realize that if they get into a habit, a regular daily routine, of where and when they do homework or chores, it becomes that much easier to get started and stay motivated to complete tasks in a timely fashion.

 3. Practice a “Go-Getter” attitude from an early age

Having a “go-getter” mentality is not something that happens overnight with children. At the core of motivation is a high level of self-esteem and self-confidence in one’s ability to tackle a particular task. When a child feels that he can handle the task or challenge that lies ahead, whether it be at home, school, socially, in sports, relationships with others, he is more willing to take risks and be willing to fall or fail to achieve that goal.

Early on in my work with children, I believed that motivating children comes from something outside of the child that was given to them. I would try to motivate them through not only my words and actions, but through stories, constant encouragement, making them laugh, giving them prizes, stickers, and telling them how much I believe in them. These things can certainly influence a child’s confidence and desires and have their time and place, but rather than being a source of motivation, I realized that by doing one key thing, sparked the greatest inspiration within them, which served to be my greatest tool.

It was the one thing that my mother taught me to do when I was a little boy that would help me truly understand and gain a competency, which ultimately led toward a greater self-confidence. That is listening. Just by paying attention to someone and what they have to say, without judgment, helps build their morale, shows that you are interested in hearing what they have to say and demonstrates how much their words have value.  This is one of the best kept secrets for helping a child find their motivation and something I would recommend that you implement right away!

4. Voluntarily engage in creative activities 

Before you decide to enroll your child in every enrichment activity out there, be aware of the quality of activities you expose your child to. You want your children to feel responsible for their success. Refrain from overexposure to technology as that counteracts the creativity process in many regards. Instead, provide your children with opportunities to problem-solve, handle tasks independently, as well as collaboratively. Give them a chance to become a leader and voice their opinion through community work, contribute to caring for a garden or a pet, or create something artistic to express their innermost feelings. These kinds of activities can give them the spark they need to feel excited and motivated to try new things and pursue different ventures throughout their life. And lastly, give your child a chance to choose what they would love to do. Allow them to explore different activities and find what moves them the most.

5. Enjoy the learning process

Kids learn through many modalities. When they are young, children need to be guided through the learning process. Much of learning at a young age comes through play, movement, and imagination. Therefore, allowing a child to be physically active and use their imagination can be a great stimulus toward engaging learning. As a child gets older, integrating their passions into what they are learning can spark motivation. Connecting what a child is learning to something in the real world that affects them in some way or another, shows the relevance and worth in what they are learning. This makes them more interested in wanting to learn about something that may otherwise be boring or irrelevant to their life.

In my best-selling book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I discuss a variety of strategies to help motivate your teen or tween in all aspects of their lives, without having to nag them.

If you are looking to regain motivation for life, take things to the next level in your business or personal life, or get a fresh start and try something new in life, check out my program “30 Days to Finding You.” I walk you through my 10-Step Personal Happiness Formula that you can apply to your life, starting today. Click here to learn more. 

To More Motivation and Less Procrastination!

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e all procrastinate at some time or another with something. Children procrastinate for similar reasons adults do. It could be that there is a lot to do, or maybe something is difficult and overwhelming for them. Whatever the reason, procrastination can be a paralyzing feeling for a child.

If you are wondering how your child’s procrastination is affecting them, ask yourself:  “Is your child experiencing more stress from their procrastination that is negatively affecting other aspects of their life (academic, emotional, social, physical)?”

It is important for a child to know that procrastination is often a process of self-awareness and not something to beat themselves up over. If your child feels stuck and can’t find the self-initiative to get started on a task that needs to be completed, I would suggest to have them peer into the future and feel when something gets done in a timely manner and how that would make them feel, as opposed to waiting and waiting and how that would make them feel.

Homework procrastination

If a child struggles to commit to a regular routine for getting homework done in a timely and efficient manner, provide them with options. If they can’t make up their mind, you choose for them. For example, if your child is notorious for waiting until the last minute Sunday night to do homework, give them an option to do their homework on either Saturday right after breakfast or Sunday right after breakfast. Once the homework is complete, then they will be allowed to engage in fun, playful activities for that day.

In general, all technology (phone, internet) or any distractions should be out of reach while doing homework. If your child insists that they have to do their homework using the Internet, ask them which subjects need it along with the specific online requirements to complete those assignments. Monitor your child’s time spent on there and if need be, set a time frame for the Internet usage.

The most important step, and oftentimes the most challenging one, in completing homework in a timely fashion is having a child physically put it out on the table. From there, you can help your child manage the completion of their assignments. Start by dividing the homework into smaller tasks. The child should write down what needs to be done on the paper, starting with a relatively easy task and moving towards harder ones and finishing with the easiest or most interesting one. Ask your child to cross out a task on the paper as soon as they are done with it. That will give them a sense of accomplishment. What this is all doing is teaching your child how to set goals, break down tasks, and monitor progress.

Procrastinating in general

As I said before, waiting until the last minute to do things is not something unique to children. However, kids respond better to concrete requests, such as “Take your dish and glass and put them in the dishwasher before you go to sleep tonight” vs. “Don’t leave all your dirty stuff out.”

To help a child understand the magnitude of their actions and how they affect others, remind them of a specific instance when you promptly responded to their needs, without delay. You can have a conversation to reiterate the same expectations for them and proceed by asking them if it all makes sense and is something that they feel is doable. When trying to get your child to accomplish a certain task, have them envision what could be an obstacle in their way that may prevent them from achieving that task in a timely manner and what they can do about it to prevent that from becoming a problem.

What to do if your child still procrastinates

-Because your child has not proven that they are able to accomplish certain tasks on a regular basis, start by having what I call the “W conversation” with them.

Regarding the procrastinated task, have them explain:

• Why is it important to do this without delay?
• What have your choices resulted in?
• Who has this affected and in what way?
• What should you have done?
• What will you do from this point moving forward?

Kids, in general, love positive reinforcement and praise. When they don’t feel like there are so many strict rules and that they have control over things, they will be more apt to respond in a timely fashion. Sometimes, procrastination is a form of passive-aggressive defiance because it is the one thing that they can control. In that case, it goes back to setting the expectations and adhering to the consequences (if and when they are broken). This takes any emotion out of  the equation and it doesn’t become a personal “I told you to do this because I said so” discussion, but rather “This is important to (me, the family, and you) because….and this is why it is important to do this in a timely manner.”

When it is all said and done, the secret to curbing procrastination lies in how you structure your discipline. It comes down to what specific consequences you feel are appropriate and that you feel comfortable in reinforcing when things are not accomplished on time or have been neglected entirely.

In my best-selling book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I discuss the different types of discipline strategies in greater depth and how you can apply them in a variety of situations with your teen or tween to help them gain motivation and self-discipline.

If your New Year’s goal is to take charge of your life and stop procrastinating to achieve what is on your New Year’s Resolutions list, all while handling life’s day-to-day responsibilities, download my new program “30 Days to Finding You.” I walk you through my 10-Step Personal Happiness Formula that you can apply to your life, starting today. Click here to learn more. 

To More Motivation and Less Procrastination!

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How do you create effective boundaries?

When setting limits, have a two-way conversation with your child. First, discuss the specific rules and associated consequences that will take place if a rule is broken. Then, listen to your child and what he has to say, whether he agrees with your decisions or not.

But then how do you determine the appropriate limits that should be set for your child? You want to first consider what the goal is for setting limits. Boundaries provide children with a framework to make decisions in their life. They should be set age appropriate to allow for a young person’s emotional development, while also permitting children to make choices and letting them grow to become independent thinkers and problem solvers.

Establishing  a mutual respect between a parent and a child means that the parent is the parent. It is important to set clear boundaries that the child has to stick to and establish clear consequences that the parent will follow through with if the boundary is crossed and the expectation is not adhered to. Children will test their parents and the sooner children experience consistent consequences for crossing the line, the sooner they will think twice about what they want to do next time and make a wiser choice.

What does effective discipline look like?

Effective discipline involves effective communication and it occurs in three different forms. First, it starts in a loving, positive, supportive way that strengthens the parent-child relationship. Second, it uses positive reinforcement to encourage desired behaviors. And third, it uses punishment – only when necessary – to decrease the frequency or eliminate undesired behaviors.

Young children have difficulty regulating their behavior based on verbal prohibitions and directions. As a child gets older, removing privileges by delayed extinction becomes a useful technique for eliminating undesirable behavior. All children, but especially adolescents, should be held accountable for their behaviors by receiving natural consequences that are consistently reinforced. This helps them become more self-disciplined and develop problem-solving skills on how to change an undesired behavior to a more effective behavior with a more desirable result.

Reinforcing consequences and resolving conflict

One approach I use in my classroom with students who “choose” to consistently make poor choices is I have the “W conversation” with them. The goal is to get them to talk about why they chose to make that poor choice, what did they do, who did it affect, and what should they have done and why, what the resulting consequence is for their action, and then what they will do next time they are in a similar situation. This holds a child accountable for their actions and promotes a greater self-awareness of the magnitude of the choices they make. It demonstrates cause and effect of their actions on others, giving them a second chance to make the right decision and never judging them as “bad,” but rather the choices they made as “poor” but correctable next time.

In my best-selling book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I discuss the different types of discipline strategies in greater depth and how you can apply them to a variety of situations with your teen or tween.

To Setting Limits And Raising A Child To Become Unlimited In Their Potential!

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grew up in a small suburban town in Connecticut where I was surrounded by kids my age and older in my neighborhood. I didn’t have a lot of friends, but there were a few. One of my good friends lived up the road from me. So many times I wanted to go play with him over his house, but it was not always possible. The problem was that along the path to my friend’s home, there were kids who were bullies and every time they saw me walking, they targeted me. In fact, one of them was a ring leader of the pack who I had to face in my neighborhood, on the bus and at school in my class every single day. Unfortunately, at that time I didn’t have the necessary skills to adequately confront bullying.

I will tell you that there is nothing worse than a child feeling unsafe inside or outside of school when they come face-to-face with someone they fear. Take it from me and the millions of other children past and present who have been on the receiving end of being the victims of bullying.

However, there is always hope. There are definitely some things that can be done to prevent bullying. Before it takes place, it is very important to teach children some techniques and one of them is to stand up for themselves and others. So, how do you do it? How do you teach a child to stand up for himself and others? Below you will find some helpful strategies.

1. Teach a Child to Speak Up 

Encourage your child to say something and not be quiet if he or someone else is not treated right. I remember telling the teacher when I would be repeatedly picked on and physically abused. Unfortunately, that didn’t work. The real key to putting out the flame when bullying takes place is to eliminate its source. Oftentimes, bullies feed off of an audience, or bystanders.

I’ve been in a number of situations growing up where I was face-to-face with a bully and other kids would stand there watching, even laughing and saying nothing to stop the verbal and physical onslaught that was ensuing. To all parents out there… it is sooooo important to teach your child that if they are on the receiving end of someone attacking them in some way, they should speak assertively to tell that person to “cut it out” or “knock it off” and then try to remove themselves from the situation. If the situation persists, encourage your child to align with other peers, as allies, to unite against this kind of behavior and tell a trusted adult.

If your child is not the target of bullying, encourage them to become an ally with someone who is being picked on. Standing by and watching any bullying behavior take place only makes the problem continue. It is important for the child to speak up and report any bullying behavior immediately.

 2. Teach a Child Respect and Empathy

The constant name calling, social isolation, and physical altercations were all too often a part of my experiences growing up and something that could have been prevented with some education in understanding. No one should be treated poorly for any reason. Children should respect their peers, teachers, and parents. Likewise, parents and teachers should respect children. No matter the age, gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, height, weight, or personal likes and preferences, children must be taught that everyone is unique and should be valued for who they are.

Cultivating empathy early on in a child’s life is crucial for their social and emotional growth and development. Children are more likely to demonstrate empathy toward others when they themselves feel a sense of emotional security from their parents. Teaching a child empathy not only allows a child to understand the perspective of others, but also helps them come up with constructive ways to handle negative emotions.

3. Teach a Child Leadership Skills

Winston Churchill once said, “Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities…because it is the quality which guarantees all others.” Healthy relationships are cultivated out of developing an understanding for one another and standing up to do the right thing.

Some people will argue that leaders are born, while others will insist that leaders are made. When children are taught effective character building skills that include having empathy for others, celebrating each other’s differences, and embracing diversity, they become more aware of each other’s needs and respond in ways to support each other. I am a strong supporter of getting a child involved in leadership activities when they are young, where they have opportunities to use their voice for change. Whether it be sports, clubs and/or community service activities, there are many outstanding ways to give a child an opportunity to be seen and heard in a positive light.

4. Model Self-Love and Kindness to Others

Children are always observing their surroundings, particularly the actions of adult role models. There is no greater strength in leading a child to make wise decisions than to personally model that behavior. When your child sees that you live your life by taking care of your well-being, acting from a place of love rather than fear or hate when handling situations, respecting and being kind to yourself and others, then she internalizes the value and worth in positive behaviors and actions. This act of respect and kindness extends beyond the confines of the school and home. It spans into everyday life at the grocery store, gas station, library, bank, or anywhere we go and meet people.

5. Teach a Child Confidence 

In today’s world, it is easy to become influenced by the prevailing messages received from the media, which are often filled with violence, hatred, anti-this and anti-that movements.  It is not very uncommon for some people to hide behind the walls of social media and say something derogatory or dejecting to put someone down.

It is very important to nurture confidence in your child. Developing the skills of confidence build’s a young person’s self-esteem and prepares them for a world filled with challenges. Build confidence in your child by involving her in different activities after school, giving tasks to be accomplished, demonstrating how to stand up and take charge of situations boldly and bravely by doing what’s right versus what’s popular. Being an ally to someone in need and helping someone who feels down is a major step toward becoming a leader, developing positive relationships with others and living a life of great purpose.

In my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I provide parents with the tools and strategies to help children navigate bullying and violence, along with the other challenges they face throughout their tween and teen years.

For a complete guide to help you and your family’s overall well-being, from all things healthy home to eating, moving, sleeping, and thinking well strategies, grab a free copy of my 25-page WHOLE LOTTA LIVING GUIDE here.

To Teaching a Child to Stand Strong!