STRESS… a five letter word that we all deal with at some level and have to learn how manage throughout our lives. We know that stress is a silent killer and can cause lasting negative emotional and physical changes on us. However, stress is not created equally and it is important to understand the different types of  responses our bodies have in dealing with stress and ways to prevent stress from becoming toxic and long-lived.

When a child says that they are afraid of giving a presentation in front of the classroom to their peers versus being scared to go to school for fear of being bullied, those are two different kinds of stressors — the former being considered “normal and healthy” and the latter “abnormal and potentially debilitating.”

A child is especially susceptible to the negative effects of prolonged stress. This blog focuses on the following three aspects related to stress and its impact on children:

• Understanding the main types of stress responses
• Examining how each response can affect a child’s overall well-being
• What can be done to help prevent toxic stress

Three Main Types of Stress Responses

Positive stress response – Let’s say your child is about to play piano in a musical performance in a few hours.  The anticipation leading up to that event can produce an increase in heart rate and a mild increase in stress hormone levels. These feelings are completely normal and essential for healthy development.

Tolerable stress response – When a child experiences a more serious event, such as the loss of a loved one or a serious bodily injury, the body’s nervous system is activated to a greater degree and stress levels rise. With support from close adults, the effects from the stressful situation or event will subside and the body will recover back to its normal state.

Toxic stress response – Recurring, prolonged, long-lasting stressful events, such as physical or emotional abuse, neglect, substance abuse, exposure to violence or mental illness without consistent, adequate adult support, can lead to significant disruptions in brain development and other organ systems. These effects include developmental delays, cognitive impairment, and stress-related diseases throughout adulthood.

Ways to Help Prevent Toxic Stress

Here are some ways to help prevent the effects of toxic stress from impacting your child:

Have a Support System for Your Child

The importance of a support system is paramount for a child overcoming the effects of stress. We see that toxic stress can affect children in different ways. Kids need a safe place to turn to where they feel protected, reassured, and supported both emotionally and physically.

Remove Chronic Stress

Remove the chronic stressor(s) or adverse situation from your child’s life as soon as possible.  I have worked with children and their families that have endured extreme poverty, food scarcity, neglect, abuse, and/or violence in the home. Research has shown that toxic stress can harm the brain and other organ systems of these children at any point in development. However, when the events happen early on in a child’s life, they have more of a profound and lasting impact. These adverse effects may not become apparent until adulthood.¹

Teach Children Resiliency

The ability to properly cope with and adapt to adverse situations, despite the present conditions, plays a huge role in dealing with toxic stress. Research has shown that children with higher resilience have higher IQ scores, well-balanced temperaments and self-control, positive self-concept, greater empathy, and problem-solving skills.²

Engage a Child in Healthy Response Outlets

Again, all children react differently to stress. The variety of stress that children deal with on a daily basis varies. Students that I’ve taught, mentored and coached over the years who had poor social support from their primary caregivers and/or their peers and suffered from prolonged stress developed maladaptive behaviors in response to this stress. The fundamental principle in handling stress is having an effective outlet to release it. Some children release stress most effectively by engaging in different physical activities, such as sports, karate, dancing, etc. Others go within and express their feelings through writing or drawing.

One universal tool that I use in the classroom with my students is mindful relaxation response techniques. Conscious efforts to breathe deeply and slowly help slow down heart rate, reduce blood pressure, and decrease stress hormone levels. Guided imagery about positive outcomes to potentially stressful events is another technique I use to help children deal with anxious or stressful situations.

Developing coping mechanisms for stress take time and regular practice. A consistent implementation of these techniques in safe environments help produce the best sustainability for a long-lasting positive outcome for helping a child best handle stress.

Talk to Your Child’s Pediatrician

Your child’s pediatrician can be an excellent resource for meeting not only your child’s needs, but the needs of you and each family member’s in order to adequately structure an environment conducive for your child’s overall physical and emotional growth and well-being.

In my best-selling book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I discuss ways to help your child develop the skills necessary to effectively handle different types of stress and challenges in their life so they can thrive in all they do and fulfill their greatest potential.

To Detoxing From the Stress of You and Your Child’s Worlds!

Sources:

1. “Stress.” Alberta Family Wellness Initiative, Accessed July 9, 2018, www.albertafamilywellness.org/what-we-know/stress.

2. Cowen E.L., Wyman P.A., Work W.C. Resilience in highly stressed urban children: concepts and findings. Bull. N. Y. Acad. Med. 1996;73:267–284.

It is apparent that kids these days are dealing with a new set of problems on top of the old traditional issues that persist among today’s youth — from smoking, drinking, and substance abuse to cyberbullying and the (mis)use of various social media platforms. From mental health concerns, suicide, school violence, sexual assault to LGBT-related, the list goes on and on. These topics are boiling up inside millions of youth who are in need of platforms to express their voices.

How often do we see children running to adults and sharing their feelings? In the hit series 13 Reasons Why, there are some very graphic depictions of youth engaging in dangerous behaviors. The magnitude to which these issues affect kids warrant conversations in order to prevent or help someone in crisis.

Getting into a child’s mind and knowing what they are truly feeling, isn’t always easy. As a school teacher and someone who has worked with tween and teenage children for nearly two decades, I am aware of these problems and see that they must be addressed. I will admit that sometimes, it is difficult to hear what they have to say and I don’t necessarily have all the answers for them.

However, I recommend for parents, teachers, counselors, and mental health professionals who regularly are surrounded by children to start the tough conversations early. I realize that not all adults possess the tools necessary to know how to start these conversations and that is what inspired me to write this blog. You can never be sure of how someone is feeling. This is why it is important to have these discussions. It could sometimes be a matter of life and death.

1. “Actively” Listen

 For a child to share their feelings with someone else requires a level of trust. For kids, trust is earned and can be easily lost. To gain the trust and respect of a child, they need to know that you care and are there to listen to their concerns. Active listening goes beyond just hearing what someone has to say and preaching back to them what and how they should do it. It is important to convey the message to a child that they have been heard and understood. In order to do this, a valuable technique is to acknowledge the message by making eye contact with a child and restating the message shared in your own words back to the child. This way of responding with reflection shows the child that you care and are paying attention to the details. This often opens up the door for them to want to share more and have a deeper conversation.

2. Demonstrate Empathy

It is common for a child and especially a teenager to think that no one understands their situation. Finding a way to relate with what children are going through, can be a big step for them to open up with you. Each child is different and will communicate with you in their own way and at their own pace. The key is not to change when and how much they talk, but to create a safe space for when they feel comfortable and are ready to have a conversation. I’ve noticed that when children feel they aren’t alone in their problems, they oftentimes open up about what is bothering them. This offers many children a sense of hope and in some cases, recovery.

3. Find the “in between” time to talk

Having a conversation with a child should feel natural. Finding that “in between” time, such as before or after school, at the dinner table, driving to a sports practice or music lesson, playing a game together, preparing a family meal or right before bedtime is a way to discuss important issues in a more casual setting.

4. Allow a Child to Speak Freely Without Judgment

It’s hard enough for a child to open up to adults about how they are truly feeling, let alone have to feel that their words will be analyzed, evaluated and held against them. The goal is to ultimately help a child resolve his or her own issues. By refraining from judgment and keeping the conversation flowing back and forth freely, a child will feel “on the level” with who is listening, rather than feeling inferior in any which way. Just by letting a child know that you are emotionally available and can talk with them openly about anything can make a big difference.

5. Ask Your Child for Advice

There is this notion that children should come to their parents for input and advice. While that may be true, reversing the roles can provide insight into what a child is thinking. Asking your child for their input empowers them and shows that you value what you have to say. This also makes the child have to formulate a response to help “solve their problem.” I feel this is an ingenious approach that we need to implement more with children. As adults, we can learn a lot from children of all ages, as they can learn from us. We all just have to start “asking” more often in order to discover and uncover those hidden treasures that can be found inside all of us.

In my best-selling book, The Ultimate Guide to Raising Teens and Tweens, I discuss a variety of conversation starters and ways to effectively break through with your child.

To Starting the Conversation!